Yuuki Miyaka's Journal

Yuuki Miyaka's Journal

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Still alive, sorta	12:01 - Monday 07 June 2004
I'm finding more and more than when you're working to change your situation, stability can be a fragile thing indeed. Case in point - I woke this morning in a zoned but decent mood. Even made it all the way to 'good' before something wholly inconsequential managed to send it plummeting and I'm left fighting not to cry. Unfortunately, more and more it's being proven to me that LJ, while once a haven and enjoyable addiction, is now more or less a thing to be feared. There's no real reason why, but having to spend any length of time there still makes me shake. Part of it may be my doormat tendencies. Some of the reason behind my initial wave of depression was fighting too hard to help those I couldn't, when I really don't know anything about helping anyone at all. It is, by no means, the whole reason behind everything. A lot more rests with RL's ability to feed me a few crumbs of hope to sustain me while everything about my belief weakens all the more. Anyway, the point of this entry is twofold - 1) to let those few who still care know that I'm still alive, occasionally surfacing but for the most part still putting myself back together and 2) to note that I will sometime in the relatively near future be weeding out my friends' list. There are no personal messages behind it. I'm no more saying to those I drop "I never want to see you again" than I'm saying to those I keep around, "I know we'll be friends forever." All I'm really saying is that I wish to pare down my friends page, and for whatever reason, you didn't make the cut. My apologies in advance if this hurts you.
mood: cynical music: when doves cry	nostalgia 9 memories

Status	08:31 - Saturday 17 January 2004
I need a break. I'm not sure precisely what I need a break FROM, but I'm taking it. It's Faol's vacation these next two weeks, and since we've already made plans to be doing things with family and together for a good chunk of it, odds are no one is going to see me for the next couple of weeks. I need this. Badly. Over the past year, I've seen less and less of him as our schedules grow different and stress rules our lives. I need to reconnect with him, and spend time with him. I further need space. This past week, the thought of doing much of anything online, even something as innocuous as checking my livejournal, has left me either shaking or angry. I'm being selfish right now, perhaps, but I need myself in one piece, to be able to raise Aiyla properly. I've been in hiding for almost a year now, and it's right back as bad as it was in the very beginning, when I disappeared off the face of the earth the first time. A lot of it probably has to do with where we're living - the same one-bedroom apartment with no space that we've always lived. I need a change. I need some space of my own, or at least space I don't share with my daughter. I need some privacy for myself. We're trying to change things right now, but the effort is taking more than I could have possibly known, and leaving me with little left for anything else. To those I am letting down by doing this, I can only apologize while recoiling to lick some wounds from the effort of change. Hopefully, after the break, I'll be back and recharged.
mood: shaky music: tokuyama hidenori - for real	nostalgia 7 memories

Sleepy	08:18 - Monday 29 December 2003
Sleep lately has been a trial for me - either I'm having so many nightmares that I don't get more than a half-hour to an hour at a time, or I'm sleeping normally... only because I'm too tired to do anything else. Last night was the former, the night before the latter, and the two nights before that both the former. It's nerves - there are a couple of things going on that have me highstrung, and it shouldn't last more than a few more days. But in the meantime, it's very annoying. Thank goodness I'm used to nightmares. The worst of them kept me up for an hour, but most only disturb my sleep for a few minutes. I just don't get the solid sleep I like. I still have two Christmas Drabble to finish, and they will get finished. It's just a matter of time. Having gotten home, I got caught up in trying to deal with housework and such things, and Christmas was nice, but kept me from getting as much done as I would've liked. Good Karma There are only a couple of people I'm currently asking for good karma for - all the people on my personal list could still use some, but of my LJ friends, only a couple spring to mind. Admittedly, I've not been keeping up on LJ at all, but these are the people that, after about 3 hours of sleep, spring to mind. dhaunea and me.
mood: tired	nostalgia 2 memories

SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!	09:15 - Tuesday 23 December 2003
I've been horribly lax in posting about this, mostly because I've been horribly lax in posting. I'm newly home and have been trying to get caught up with all the housework and such here before Christmas. However, now that I'm posting again, the first (second only because I posted a notice to damoyre last night) post must be about this: LOOK LOOK LOOK! bikun wrote me a story! Isn't that wonderful?! It's sweet and cute and Aya/Omi, and just... wonderful. Go see! Go read! Go get warm fuzzies!!! :: purrs ::
mood: enthralled music: beethoven's 5th	nostalgia

Hey, damoyre!	01:58 - Tuesday 23 December 2003
Your Christmas Drabble was the first to become a ficlet, though only by 72 words. ^.^ Still, I'm very pleased with the way it turned out. I hope you will be, too. GW Ficlet: Mango
mood: hot music: beethoven - 5th symphony	nostalgia 1 memory

Exhaustion	19:47 - Saturday 20 December 2003
I just got in, safe and sound, and was going to play around on LJ and try to catch up. It is not meant to be. I will actually try tomorrow. For tonight, I'm braindead.
mood: exhausted music: evanescence - fields of innocence	nostalgia 3 memories

Note:	22:07 - Tuesday 16 December 2003
Tired. Need relaxation. Need my time to stop being taken up by lots and lots of things. Need a rest. Need... a lot. I love my family, but I'm ready for the 20th to come because, most of all: I need my husband around again.
mood: tired	nostalgia 2 memories

Hey, just_ruth!	15:53 - Tuesday 16 December 2003
Well, Trillian hates me, my email hates me, and now LJ and GJ are giving me a few fits here and there, but I got it done! I'm rather pleased with the way it turned out, myself. I hope you like it, too... Your Christmas drabble: Ring
mood: grumpy	nostalgia 2 memories

Hey, ashkitty!	16:09 - Monday 15 December 2003
You, too, apparently. Your Christmas drabble ended up working itself out just when I'd given up on writing any more today. I really hope you like it! Offering
mood: amused	nostalgia 1 memory

More Christmas Drabbles...	13:03 - Monday 15 December 2003
I managed to complete two more, one last night and one this morning, and both have finally gotten posted to my writing journal. ^.^ Rhina, the first was your Bill/Hermione. I hope you like it. They're quite fun to write together! Song Ara-chan, the second was your Ken/Aya request. I think that may be the first time I've ever written that pairing, and it didn't quite end up the way I was aiming for, but I really enjoyed it. ^.^ Mannerisms Enjoy!
mood: satisfied	nostalgia 2 memories

Friendship	14:00 - Friday 12 December 2003
There was a song I learned, growing up in Campfire. It was simple, and went something along the lines of: Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other's gold. I don't have many 'old' friends anymore, and none my age. I don't have a blanket statement for why, save that for a time, I pushed away everyone I could manage. I'm left with a handful of people older than I, whom I love dearly and who understood enough not to let me shove them away. I saw one of them today. I've been told, both as compliment and criticism, that I care about people so much that it's sometimes painful to see. That's only partially true. I care about those who have in some way touched me - my heart, my soul, my life. But I've also learned that after a while, there's only so much I can take before I have to pull back. Survival demands that I take care of myself first. It's like they tell you in airplanes - if you're with someone needing assistance, take care of yourself first. Because if something happens to you, you still can't help the person needing assistance. The other thing stopping me from trying to reconnect with my 'old friends' is trust - I don't trust them. I don't know if I ever did. There was a time in my life when people pretended to be interested in the things I was interested in. I suspect I bullied them into it. I don't know if they were ever happy being my friend. You'd think that I'd be able to say, "yes, they were... at least sometimes." But I can't say that. This trip has shown me a lot about myself. I miss the past, but I can't live in it. I wasn't happy so much of the time, despite having an incredible family and home. And I had lousy judgement. I'm working to change those things about myself now, but being confronted with it... hurts. I have people now that I would do anything for - friends that have taught me that I can trust them on various levels, and people who understand me without understanding me. People who accept me without being me, or understanding me. I've thought many times about moving back to Texas, getting work, somehow making our life better here. Something always stopped me. I understand now, finally, what it was. For all my misery in my one-bedroom apartment, for all the times when I've wished to have some space for just me, some time to do anything other than listen to Aiyla, a place to go where Faol's ranting doesn't touch me, there is one thing I finally understand. Toronto isn't home because that's where we're living. It's home because we have friends there, and happiness, and trust. I should've figured it out a lot sooner.
mood: lonely	nostalgia 4 memories

I'm tired	09:33 - Friday 12 December 2003
And I'm cleaning out my friends list again. Normally, I don't announce it. This time, I am, because I suspect there's going to be some questions about why I'm doing this. This time, I'm announcing it only to remind people of something I said once in an old post. I do not consider my friends-page an accurate representation of who my friends are. I've got friends who are not on my friends-page, and I've got LJ friends who I don't even really know. If you're not there, that doesn't mean I don't consider you a friend. If I'm not on yours, I'm not going to panic or get paranoid about whether or not you like me. Been there, done that, and decided it just isn't worth it in the end. If you still wish to believe that I'm doing this because I don't like you or whatever, feel free. But you're lying to yourself if you do.
mood: grumpy	nostalgia 4 memories

Friends everywhere...	21:43 - Thursday 11 December 2003
taken from the no das: I know very little about some of the people on my friends' list. Some people I know relatively well. I read your fic, or we have something else in common and we chat occasionally. Some of you I hardly know at all. Perhaps you lurk, for whatever reason. But you friended me and I thank you. But here's a thought: why not take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all. Just so the next time I see your name I can say: "Ah, there's so and so...she likes spinach." I'd love it if every single person who friended me would do this. Yes, even you people who I know really well. Then post this in your own journal.
mood: silly music: er in background	nostalgia 28 memories

Hey, sentairick!	08:52 - Thursday 11 December 2003
Finally completed your Christmas Drabble. I'm not quite sure it's what you wanted, but the muses demanded it go this way, so I complied. Let me know if you're not happy with it, and I'll work on another one for you. Living I hope you like it!
	nostalgia

Hey, toxictattoo!	14:02 - Wednesday 10 December 2003
I finally, finally, finally wrote your Christmas drabble. It was fun, and a little strange. It never really occurred to me to place Nagi and Kei in that situation before. ^.^ And figuring out the setup for it (even though you don't see much of it) was hilarious! All for you: Curtains And for anyone interested: toxictattoo wrote me a story! A 4x5 story! A sappy 4x5 story! Isn't he wonderful?! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Go read!
mood: ecstatic	nostalgia 1 memory

Hey, foobard!	23:06 - Tuesday 09 December 2003
Finally... FINALLY Duo cooperated. For the last couple of weeks, he's been giving me ideas... all very angsty ones, which I felt were unappropriate for Christmas gifts. However... Go read: Rough It's all yours.
mood: pleased	nostalgia

With a few left to go...	11:14 - Tuesday 09 December 2003
I'm opening myself up to more danger. Because I am a glutton for punishment, and because, as I pointed out to a friend earlier, I like writing for others. While it's sometimes difficult, I really enjoy offering something of myself up to them. For those people who either didn't see it or wondered if they could/should request Christmas drabble, it's still open. And I've got a couple of new people on my friends list who this does apply to as well. If you'd like a Christmas Drabble, please read the restrictions I offered and request away! So far, the list of people who've asked for drabble are: just_ruth bearilou bikun catskyfire chea_hidden chichiri_no_da dindin foobard grissom jamimichelle miko_no_da pacalissanctum petermaxwell sentairick toxictattoo [Edited to add: Just because you request a particular something doesn't change the fact that it's a gift. You're guiding me to giving you something that you'd like, rather than something you'd just dismiss.]
mood: complacent	nostalgia 7 memories

Hey, babaca, dhaunea, and bearilou!	08:57 - Tuesday 09 December 2003
babaca, I finally got your birthday drabble done. I know it's horribly belated, and I'm really sorry, both about that and about the fact that I couldn't write what you wanted. I'll try to become better acquainted with YnM someday, so that I can manage it, okay? In the meantime, I hope you like Longing. (It's GW.) dhaunea, your birthday drabble is a little less belated, but not much. I've been so awful at getting things done while down here! I hope you enjoy it, though... This is (I think) my first attempt to write the pairing you and Jan are so damned good at. Blood bearilou, Merry Christmas! I managed some nice fluffy sweetness for your Christmas Drabble, which I hope will make you smile. You need it lately. White Lace
mood: busy	nostalgia 9 memories

Tired	20:55 - Friday 05 December 2003
I had considered checking my friends page. I got about halfway down, realized that I still wasn't at the place I'd stopped before, and gave up. I don't feel like reading fifty entries tonight. I had planned to make a 'plotbunny box' today. In essence, it's an index card box with my plotbunnies written down on index cards and put within, pending a time when I can use one of them. The lack of writing time and happening upon a few of my old index cards (from when I was in school and used the method) inspired it. Hermione's been loud, and Nagi's got two new incarnations floating around just waiting for me to play with them. As well, I suspect I'll end up with a couple of vampire muses by the time I'm done. When I was younger, I was very much in love with vampires. The only author I really didn't enjoy reading was Anne Rice, but L.J. Smith was someone I loved. I found a couple of her books in my old boxes and rescued them. I plan to reread and save them, and hopefully find the other two before I head back to TO. If I can manage it, I know I'll end up with a muse or two from there - likely the two brothers. I'm extremely predictable. Anyway, back to the Plotbunny Box. It didn't get made, mostly because I couldn't find an index card box at the place I was looking. Dad said he'd look at the stationer's next week and snag something for me. If he can manage it, I will get my wish. After that, it's just a matter of finding the right decorations and making it pretty for the bunnies who have to live inside. Yes. For the record, I'm very strange. We went to a Christmas parade today. It was nice to talk to some of the surrounding people, and to hear my school song, but to be honest, the amount of people I know around here seems to have dwindled. And given that Aiyla was very interested in jumping off the curb only to scramble back up and jump again, I was not precisely enthralled. As well, we were past the judge's area, so things were very slow. Not the best time I've ever had, but definitely not the worst, either. And some of the music was good. By the way... while I'm thinking about it: babaca and dhaunea, I have not forgotten your birthday drabbles. I just don't have nearly as much time to write as I'd like, and while my muses have been loud, when I have been able to sit down at the computer, I've been too exhausted to really write drabble. They are, however, still coming. ( Good Karma Requests )
mood: indifferent music: evanescence - my immortal	nostalgia 1 memory

	09:06 - Thursday 04 December 2003
( Say something nice. ) ( Rec-Go-Round ) ( Language ) A friend of mine posted this in her journal, though she didn't originate it. I like it... it's a good idea to bear in mind, particularly during the holidays when seasonal depression is so prevalent. "Sit down with a piece of paper, or at your word processing programme and start thinking of the names of five people, in descending order of significance in your life, that you hope would come to your aid in the case of emergency. DON'T fantasise you'll never have an emergency. Just don't. Healthy people get struck by aneurisms, heart attacks and all sorts of other maladies every day. You are not exempt. At least one of the people on your list should be living within an hour of you. If you don't have someone like this, I urge you to make it your TOP PRIORITY to FIND someone like this. This weekend. The telephone and the internet are great for some things. But for other things (like getting into your apartment, should something horrible happen to you) nothing beats the person down the block. Even if she is a little crazy and you don't like hanging out with her much. I don't care if you need to go to your landlord and ask if its okay to put THEM on your list. Find someone. Some of you will tell me that you don't have five people on your list. I urge you to rectify that. You are putting too much of a burden on your friends otherwise. Nobody can be the sole support for someone else. They just can't. I understand all too well your reasons for limiting your social circle: "shyness", "abuse", "agorophobia", "misanthropy" and the like. But if I believe nothing else, I believe that connection is your sole responsibility as a member of society. Complete anonymity is a child's fantasy. Just because you have your hands over your eyes doesn't mean I cannot see you. Take some responsibility for the fact that whether you like it or not, your existence on this earth causes both joy and signficant burden for others. That's the way it is. If you are at a point in your life where you can't connect to five other humans, yet you HAVE A LIVE JOURNAL, then get off the goddamn computer. I am deadly serious. Now. For each of those people on your list, provide the following information. Name, address, phone number, email address. I challenge anyone to have all this information on the top of your head. I certainly don't. In fact, three of the numbers I thought I had in my phone book were old ones and unuseable. Update the information. Now. Instead of posting in your journal, or anyone else's. Next: take the list, make six copies. Distribute the list to the people in question. Urge them to keep in touch with you, and try to keep in touch with them. Nobody will look at you weird if you tell them you had a wake up call this week and you just want to give them the list, "in case." Finally, and this is important: give the person highest on your list a copy of your keys. Finally, write or call the people on your list THIS WEEKEND. Let them know you appreciate them. If you feel awkward doing this, here is something to cut and paste: "Hi, it's me. I know this is going to seem like it's coming from out of the blue, but some stuff has happened to me this week that makes me aware I should thank you for being there for me. I don't always remember to thank the people who do the most for me. No need to reply or anything. Just thanks." A few of you will have seen this already, but to those who haven't, I encourage you to do this. I have already, and it's a good thing to do even if you don't suffer from depression. I call it a support network, and they're always good to have.
mood: mellow	nostalgia 1 memory

I am...	22:45 - Monday 01 December 2003
Tired. I've spent the weekend and part of the prior week visiting with family. It's a wonderful thing - seeing them has really reminded me of how very much I miss doing so on a regular basis, and my cousin was wonderful with Aiyla. But I'm an introvert. People exhaust me, and by the end of everyone's stay, I was just ready to collapse. I'd intended to spend Sunday visiting with my father and stepmother. Instead, I hid. It seemed the wiser choice. I'm still not fully with it... I was so snarly earlier that I'm surprised I didn't do irreparable damage to something. Sore. In addition to being a lot more active than I currently am, (which is a good thing, and a bad statement on my current life) I am happy to say that I did a rather thorough cleaning of the rooms I've been staying in. This included laundry, which given where the laundry room is involved walking up and down a couple flights of stairs easily ten or fifteen times. Up to the apartment, get a load of laundry, down to the house, all the way through the house to the other end, up to the second floor, back toward the apartment to put the clothes in the wash. Do multiple loads and it becomes very old very quickly. Braindead. Dad tried to set up a phone and cable into the apartment for me. He succeeded with the phone. The cable, however, eluded him... and in the process, he managed to do something to the Internet. I hadn't been relying on it much, though it was nice to be able to jump online for five minutes and check my email or post an update. Knowing, however, that I had no access made me irritable, which did nothing to help my weekend. He got it working again today, which still won't mean a whole lot... I don't have much time over the next three or four days. Nostalgic. My entire life in 20 boxes has currently been condensed to four. Well, not precisely true. In addition to all the crap up in Toronto, both of my parents have little touches of me through their houses, even their new ones. Even so, it's rather... disturbing, to find yourself reducing your life to a handful of memories that will be stored away in an attic somewhere. And going through the boxes alone today, (I've still got 4 boxes to go) I felt very... cut off from others, as though I were preparing to disappear. And as though I'd be able to just fade into the mist without anyone the wiser. It's inaccurate in the extreme, I know, but there for a moment, I wondered if I'd ever truly been there. Probably just too much time spent being sociable. As social occasions go, I'm a cocoon rather than a butterfly. Discouraged. What little I've been able to keep up with on LJ has shown me that my friends have troubles afoot... and I have no real way to help them. I can't even be much of an ear right now. I know they're all strong enough to make it through their respective problems, and I know that I'm sending as much good karma as I could possibly muster to them. But nonetheless... I feel useless, and pointless. Homesick. For the longest time, Texas was home to me. I still love it - the food, the smells, the people. But my heart belongs in Toronto, with my husband. And I've talked to him only twice in the entire time I've been here. For all that we're good at this LD thing, it's painful. I find myself getting misty-eyed at some things without meaning to, and realize that it's because part of me was cataloging the paragraph, or quip, or scene, or whatever, so that I could tell Faol about it. Busy. Going through boxes, getting rid of what I don't want (mostly books, which are going to the library), watching Aiyla, fulfilling my familial obligations, all of it has left me with much less 'me' time than I'd hoped for. This week ought to be different. Everyone's working during the day, so aside from lunches, the mornings are mine. Of course, today was cleaning and laundry, and tomorrow involves going through the last of the boxes, returning rental tapes, and dropping off the books at the library. Not a huge list, but not a quiet one either. In addition to that, I'll likely try to finish cleaning up my room (fold and put away clothing, make the beds, clean the shelves, that sort of thing) and play catchup on LJ, since I really haven't had much chance to check it for days now. Ready to post. More updates to come, now that we have the 'Net back.
mood: moody	nostalgia 1 memory

Oh, Truth...	15:52 - Saturday 29 November 2003
I knew there was a reason my muses were popping up with little drabble ideas... One of them is yours, I'm sure of it. However, my family is kidnapping me for the weekend, so your birthday drabble will be a bit late. But look for it in the days to come!
mood: complacent	nostalgia 7 memories

Happy Thanksgiving	16:17 - Thursday 27 November 2003
Yesterday marked my maternal grandparents' 64th wedding anniversary. Sunday marked my paternal grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary. All four are still living. It felt good to be able to go to each set on their proper day and say, "Congratulations. You're incredible." Not much has been going on here, which really does not explain why I've been crawling into bed every night utterly exhausted. Last night, the only reason I was in bed later than ten was because CSI was on - an old one from second season, but still good to watch. Another CSI is supposed to be on tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to watch it somewhere in this house. I spent yesterday with my mother, doing far too little when I have tons of things to go through still. But it felt good. Aiyla was sick that morning, so we ended up sitting and watching 'Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron' together. I'd heard mixed reviews about the show, but I must admit that I liked it. It really pays to enjoy childrens' shows when you've got a kid around the house. Just based on the amount of family I've seen and interacted with today, I'll likely crawl into bed exhausted yet again. Aiyla's sound asleep right now in a nap, and I expect her to be nice and rambunctious by dinner time. I suppose I really don't have much of note here. Following the Canadian Thanksgiving post I made last month, I've got a list of five things I'm thankful for. These won't be the same things that appeared on the last list. 1. I'm thankful for parents who will conform to my own parenting practices, whether or not they believe in them. 2. I'm thankful that I have fond memories of my childhood, particularly during the stress of cancer. 3. I'm thankful for a husband that loves me enough to be near me when I need him, and to give me space when I need that. 4. I'm thankful for a new understanding of what friendship and self-respect really mean. 5. I'm thankful that my life holds such wonderful people in it.
mood: thankful	nostalgia 1 memory

The Visit, part one	14:47 - Tuesday 25 November 2003
Although things have been very calm while I've been here, the last couple of days have, nonetheless, been wearing. Sunday, with it's five hours plus of travel and many visits to family I hadn't seen in nearly a year, was understandably exhausting, and I'm only now catching up on rest. I spent most of Monday with my mother, talking and going through boxes of ancient possessions that will mostly be sold or thrown out. Some few will remain. Currently, I've pared six boxes down to two, and I have plans to go through a great many more before my time here is at an end. Last night I was with my father and his wife again. We ate dinner and chatted together, and then watched a movie that she had picked up for Aiyla - 'Finding Nemo'. I liked the movie a lot, but I think it's a great deal more for parents than children... most of the lessons seemed geared toward myself than Aiyla. I crawled into bed last night mere moments after Aiyla... she hadn't even had time to go to sleep. But I was so very tired. I had a nightmare last night, and combined with the new place and the closet door that had come slightly open, that left me wondering if perhaps someone were in the room with me. It certainly felt as though there were, but turning on all the lights and searching the room revealed nothing. I moved a dresser in front of the door that had come open, and intend to keep it there during my visit. It took a while to go back to sleep after that, and I ended up reading part of the book I'd found while going through a box of them that Mom had saved (out of the box only two books got salvaged. The rest will be sold at the garage sale or donated to the library.) It's a book called When Rabbit Howls, written by a person with multiple personality disorder about her own venture into understanding her life. Amazingly enough, this actually soothed me back into sleep. I'm so strange sometimes. Woke up nursing a headache today - I think I didn't drink enough caffeine yesterday. I've been resting for most of the day, with my stepmother rather happily looking after Aiyla. I've had more caffeine, but again, not nearly enough. Still, it seems to be working. I finally have no headache again. While resting, I continued to read my book - I'm almost halfway through now, and remembering why the book had stayed around long after I read it the first time. It's fascinating, really, and rather frightening, all at once. In a little while, my stepmother and I (along with Aiyla, of course) are going to go out material shopping. I'm hoping to make a large skirt for Halloween costumes in the future, and my stepmother believes she can manage if we find the right material. Something not too expensive, and I'm not sure of the color yet. Probably a blue, like before... or maybe some sort of beige or tan. I could brighten it with scarves and patches along the way. Next week, Mom and my stepmother go back to work (they have a vacation this week for Thanksgiving) and I'll be back to a more normal daytime schedule, although hopefully I'll have some sort of vehicle which I can use to get around the town so that I can pick up items I might need and visit with the grandparents. I'm rather looking forward to at least one day where I can spend some time in the library of Dad's house, listening to music and reading in one of the oversized chairs that seem so incredibly comfortable. I've missed this place.
mood: drained	nostalgia

Made it	22:10 - Sunday 23 November 2003
The flight was long but uneventful. (Given that I'm travelling with a three-year-old, that's saying a LOT.) The car ride home was long but uneventful. I've now seen all of the family currently in town, and (more importantly) they've all seen Aiyla. It's been a long day, all told, though...
mood: tired music: evanescence - bring me to life	nostalgia 5 memories

Leaving Soon	07:53 - Sunday 23 November 2003
For those I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to - I will see you online, when I can manage it. :: hugs :: And now that my packing crisis is nearly over, I must go collapse.
mood: exhausted	nostalgia

Brief Note	18:51 - Saturday 22 November 2003
I hate travel.
mood: annoyed music: shrek	nostalgia

Faol's birthday	07:43 - Saturday 22 November 2003
Last night was good. It was nice to be able to sit back with Faol and simply enjoy some together time again without Aiyla underfoot... she's wonderful, but every now and then, we need our time. With her safely at her grandmother's, we got some Thai food from the place just down the street - wonderful food! We tried a couple of new items, and I'm in love with at least one of them. Then we came home and watched his birthday present - a dvd of Hart's War. Not what I expected, and I'm glad of it. I was afraid, going into it, that it would very much be Bruce Willis' answer to Saving Private Ryan. I'm not fond of war movies, as a rule. No specific reason other than that my mind shies away from them. At any rate, while war was the setting for this movie (World War II, to be precise), it was not about the war at large. If anything, it came across to me as a mystery movie. Fascinating, though I'm sure I annoyed Faol to death with pausing it to ask questions. (He's the war and history geek in our house.) But it really fun... although next time, we really ought to get a 'cuddling' movie. From there, we watched some C.S.I., courtesy of grissom. We'd both seen the episode again, but something about that show lends itself to rewatching... there are so many details and nuances. And we discussed potential movies we'd someday like to own, since I really need to put together a list of what we have and what we'd like. That way, people can get us something other than gift certificates for birthdays and Christmas. (His dad suggested doing this since he hates going the gift certificate route - says it's too impersonal.) I had to laugh when we started talking horror and suspense movies. Faol keeps going on about Signs, which we've both seen, but I have no real desire to see again. To me, the movie was wonderful... once. It relied too heavily on suspense for me to enjoy it time and time again. I, on the other hand, want to find out what happened to my copy of House on Haunted Hill... and find a few more like that. Again with the suspense, but there are other things that keep me coming back. The celebration would've been complete if he'd been able to get today off, but Saturdays are never given off, so he works on his birthday. Still, I think he had a good time, and that's what matters.
mood: happy music: evanescence - imaginary	nostalgia 1 memory

Anonymous	23:24 - Tuesday 18 November 2003
Post anything that you want here, and post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love... anything. Make sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what others have to say. Taken from grissom
mood: anxious music: evanescence - bring me to life	nostalgia 6 memories

Happy Birthday!	08:49 - Tuesday 18 November 2003
babaca, I hope you're having a wonderful birthday. I haven't written you drabble yet, but I wondered if there was anything in particular you'd like for yours?
	nostalgia 2 memories

11:43 - Saturday
15 November 2003

Weiß Kreuz Drabble Inspiration by yuukimiyaka
Name
Primary Character	Farfarello
Secondary Character	Hell
Theme	Green
Word Count	494

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

mood:

giggly

nostalgia
1 memory

Hair and irritability	14:53 - Friday 14 November 2003
I left at noon. The intention was to grab a shower - 15 minutes (if that), and head out to get a quick haircut. We have an ATM across the street at the 7-11, so that wasn't a problem... right? Wrong. The ATM across the street doesn't work. Nor does the next closest ATM, which is 3 blocks away. I went 7 or 8 blocks before I found a working one at Shopper's, got the money I needed, and on the way back to the hair place, picked up a cheap book for myself on the handwriting analysis for criminals (something to read while I waited for my haircut) and some software for Aiyla that Faol and I had agreed to get. Got to the hair dressers and waited. Admittedly, I did not have an appointment, which just made me a little less prone to speak up. The hairdresser was nice, very knowledgable, and quite polite about the whole thing, but from start to finish, I was gone two and a half hours, which is about an hour more than I'd planned on. Housework is in the midst of getting done, and after an episode of CSI, I'm going to deal with some paperwork that needs doing. But today, I'm irritable. And that only cinched it. Oh, did I mention that I didn't get to see CSI last night? Jean Chrétien was on instead, giving speeches and being tributed (if that's not grammatically correct, today I do not care.) So for the second time in a row, I did not get to see Invisible Evidence. :: snarl :: If something happens in reruns, I'm gonna kill something. Good karma requests for today are: chichiri_no_da dhaunea grissom miko_no_da And me, if you can spare it. [Edited at 4:30pm to add: Please include petermaxwell and raighne to the Good Karma list. They need it too.]
mood: aggravated music: c.s.i. - you've got male	nostalgia 2 memories

Request and Note to mel_redcap and christyonna	01:33 - Friday 14 November 2003
Request first, because it's driving me BATTY. A while back one of my friends posted a link to a short fic that I refer to as 'punctuation sex'. It was from the point of view of a punctuation mark (I can't remember which one, to be honest) and was absolutely incredible. Foolish me, I didn't add it to my memories. If you remember, could whoever posted the link either repost it tomorrow or give me the link? Pretty please? And now, Mel and Christy: petermaxwell requested a drabble today based on your Death and the Dragon Arc - specifically, set directly after the very last scene in Reunion. I'm not expecting y'all to want it, but if you do, it's yours to post wherever, provided you keep the tag that it was written for Saishi. (He said it was fine.) You can find it here. Enjoy.
mood: frustrated music: mel torme & mickey thomas - dream a little dream of me	nostalgia

Pimpage and Good Karma	17:32 - Thursday 13 November 2003
The pimpage first - Two new and nifty communities. Well, one isn't quite that new, but I haven't told people yet. Check them out. They're cool! grissomandsara - C.S.I. related. For all the Grissom/Sara 'shippers out there who want a place to babble, squeal, squee, and post. Owned and run by grissom (appropriately enough!) unusual_liasons - Rare fandom/pairing related. ONLY rare fandoms or pairings. Common stuff can be found in tons of other places. Slash, het, and femmeslash friendly. Owned and run by toxictattoo And moving on to the good karma requests, there are four that I can think of that stand out to me today, but as always, everyone can use good karma. dhaunea grissom hastursdaughter petermaxwell Thank you to those people who always send me good karma, too. It may not seem like it sometimes, but it means a lot to me... and it does help.
mood: worried	nostalgia 1 memory

Random observation	00:47 - Thursday 13 November 2003
It's surprising how deafening the quiet can be... ...and how painful.
mood: sad	nostalgia 9 memories

Past	08:04 - Wednesday 12 November 2003
It's strange, how some things can trigger hurt even after I've thought I've dealt with them. I sat down to write today, and was assailed with it - not guilt, surprisingly, as it is usually my own faults that stay with me long after they've proven useful. Just hurt, from someone who never meant to hurt me. I shouldn't dwell on the subject, or the hurt, but there are times when I can't seem to help it. It's odd, because it makes me want to withdraw, to lick my wounds in private until they finally do heal over. But at the same time, I know that there's a chance they won't. Not for a long time, anyway. I've this tendency to hurt over things that everyone else has forgotten. The knowledge closes my throat and eats at my brain, until it's all I can do to take a breath without it turning into a sob. As it is today. I shouldn't be bothered by it. I shouldn't be upset. The person meant me no harm, I know that. It's my own fault for placing more importance on this than was intended. But it still hurts.
mood: uncomfortable music: george winston - cloudburst	nostalgia 4 memories

Hey catskyfire!	07:53 - Wednesday 12 November 2003
I'm still going to try to write a post-jail Grave Drabble for you, but I sat down today, and this little bit came out. It's pre-jail, and almost pre-Gold. I hope you like it. Grave's surprisingly hard for me to wrap my head around. EQ Drabble: Cigarette
mood: tired music: the level plain (magh seola)	nostalgia 6 memories

Surveys and stuff	11:17 - Tuesday 11 November 2003
( Counting Down ) ( Anime Personality Test ) ( Alphabetical Me ) ( The Alphabet ) ( Birthday Month Meaning ) ( All the Months )
mood: listless music: andrew lloyd webber - joseph megamix	nostalgia

Amusing	17:13 - Sunday 09 November 2003
( Sexy me? )
mood: amused music: george winston - living in the country	nostalgia 5 memories

Something Wonderful	22:09 - Saturday 08 November 2003
I have a lot of memes that I intend to do... but they can wait for another time. This is going to be one of those more personal (and likely boring) entries that seem to make up my journal of late. I found my mood waning this evening as everyone got ready to do their own thing. No one's fault - I didn't sleep well last night (tossing and turning and lots of up and down) and I've not eaten well today. I haven't had the energy or inclination to do anything about food except what's easy for myself - except that I dislike the easy food. It doesn't sit well with me at all, which means that I don't eat it. I did eat, just not food I should be eating. So all in all, I'm left with a distinct malaise. With my mood sliding downward, and Faol home, I decided to try something different. Rather than trying to find something that would occupy my time alone, and thus allow me to get more miserable, I opted to shut off everything and curl up on the couch with him. From there we followed our instincts and searched out a movie. We ended up with 'Anna and the King' (with Jodie Foster and Chow Yun-Fat). I bought it for him on his birthday last year, and now, nearly a year later, we're finally finding both the time and inclination to sit down together and watch it. It was still in its shrink wrap! Watching the opening credits, the name 'Tom Felton' popped up, and it honestly took me a few minutes to figure out where I'd seen the name before. I feel like an idiot, although I congratulate myself on spotting the person and making the connection immediately. I had no idea that Draco's actor had also played in this. (Faol was not so quick... it took several scenes before he figured it out.) The movie was stopped partway through (after the ten-day bout of rain) while we fed and played with Aiyla. And then we went back to it when she went to bed. It felt good, being cuddled with him as we watched a movie we both enjoyed. While we don't like all the same movies, we do have relatively similar taste in most, and it's always nice to share one we both enjoy. My only real complaint is that the movie was damaged (we got it previously viewed) in one spot, and so caused us a bit of alarm. But the story is a good one. As Faol put it - it's not a chick flick at all, but instead a cinematic view of the history of those events. In other news... It's chichiri_no_da's birthday! Always wonderful to hear, since to me, birthdays are a very wonderful thing to celebrate. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHICHIRI NO DA! And finally, there are some people out there who could really use some good karma right now... and I've been lax in my requests for it. So here we are - certainly this is not the full list, as everyone can use good karma all the time, but it does hold people who've caught my attention for some reason or other. chea_hidden chichiri_no_da grissom minkhollow petermaxwell Now that I've done all this... I need to go tend my head before it explodes. Goodnight.
mood: exhausted music: savage garden - the animal song	nostalgia 5 memories

Meme (Thoughts might come later)	15:55 - Thursday 06 November 2003
gacked from minkhollow ( History Meme )
mood: blah music: simple plan - i'd do anything	nostalgia

Hey, dindin!	14:33 - Tuesday 04 November 2003
Your drabble is done. I'm not sure it's quite what you asked for, but S4 is being evil about G/S moments, so I'm left lacking any real inspiration for much save angst. If you don't like it, please let me know! CSI Drabble: Always
mood: calm music: saliva - always (the inspiration for the drabble)	nostalgia 3 memories

To kelroni:	11:39 - Tuesday 04 November 2003
Happy Birthday! I hope it's a good one. I know you're going through a lot right now. And I hope you enjoy your drabble.
mood: pensive music: goo goo dolls - slide	nostalgia 2 memories

Rambles	11:00 - Tuesday 04 November 2003
I'm tired today. And sick, and snarly, and not much help to anyone... to the point that part of me is seriously considering hiding in Diablo II and trying to slaughter all manner of demons and undead. I'm not right now because my brain is still working, albeit miserably. I've got drabble ideas that I need to get out. But at the moment, my heart aches, and I have no real clue why. I've been beating myself up for a week now over a moment's loss of control, but I do that. I don't expect perfection from myself, but I do expect a certain level of... common sense. And I used none. It's amazing how debilitating that knowledge can be. For a week now, my brain has been telling me that I'm nothing but a fuckup, unable to even handle being friends with someone without hurting them. It took nearly a week to determine if I'd managed to hurt said friend enough to ruin our friendship, which does not seem to be the case. But nonetheless... I can't help but wonder how badly I've honestly fucked things up. I do that, though. To top it off, I've no milk, which means that my coffee tastes all wrong. But that will be fixed shortly, as I head across the street to pick some up. And I have tons of cleaning to do today. Bad day, here I come.
mood: cynical music: saliva - always	nostalgia

Excuse me while I smile.	13:51 - Friday 31 October 2003
I love this time of year. Scary stories, scary movies, costumes, candy, ghostly legends... Halloween is probably my favorite holiday. Admittedly, the last three or four years, I haven't dressed up. I need to get a good costume idea that will last me, and get my grandmother to make it next time I'm down in TX. For now, I'm stuck with no costume, but a piece of apparel that (even without the rest of the costume) I find oddly appropriate - a sweater made to resemble Freddy Krueger's. About five or six years ago, I dressed up as him for Halloween, and I loved the sweater that came with the kit, so I kept it. For those keeping track, Aiyla's going to be a flapper, and Faol's going to be an over-worked, underpaid husband. ~.^ Last night was nice... Faol and I went out for an evening to ourselves, since Barb took Aiyla for us. We were lucky enough to catch a major sale on a book I've been wanting - "The Artful Dodger: Images and Reflections" by Nick Bantock. Normally, the book sells for $55, but Chapters had it (in stores only) for $15. We snagged it, and just reading the opening bit, I know I'm going to love reading it. Bantock really has a wonderfully comfortable way of writing - he makes you feel like you're sitting in the same room chatting with him over tea. We also had dinner out. It was at the mall instead of the Thai place we'd originally decided on, because the Thai place was closed, but the food was good nonetheless, and it felt good to eat away from home. As we headed back home, we stopped by Shopper's Drug Mart and picked up some shortbread cookies - YUM! Not what we were looking for at Shopper's, but I'm not complaining! And we watched 'Silence of the Lambs' last night, in honor of the season. We would've watched 'The Shining', but I just watched it a week or so ago. And Urban Legends 2. (When I bought it, I thought I was getting the original. Stupid me...) I want to watch our 'House on Haunted Hill' tape, but that's disappeared. This morning, I watched 'Species'. I'd never seen it before, but did you know that Catherine from C.S.I. (Marg Helgenberger) plays one of the good guys in it?! That was a nifty little treat. And tonight, after we get back from trick or treating and Aiyla heads to bed, I've got 'Hellraiser' and 'The Craft' slated to watch. I really need someone to watch these movies with... I love horror and suspense and thriller and slasher flicks! And now, I just have to wait to get picked up by my mother-in-law. Life is good.
mood: content music: blue oyster cult - don't fear the reaper	nostalgia

Hey, pacalissanctum!	09:43 - Thursday 30 October 2003
I wrote your drabble this morning... finally got an idea for something very Hermioneish. I hope you like it! I doubt it's what you think. ^.^ HP Drabble: Best Friend
mood: recumbent	nostalgia 3 memories

Amazing...	23:15 - Wednesday 29 October 2003
What hindsight can tell you. Truth, I'm sorry.
mood: sad music: x-men: the movie

SQUEE!!	12:24 - Wednesday 29 October 2003
Excuse me while I take a moment to squee dramatically! *SQUEE!!!* What am I squeeing over, you might ask? Aiyla just counted, by herself. Faol and I didn't help her at all. And on top of that, she did not count to three, or five, or even ten. She counted to thirteen. Alone. The pronunciation was a little off, but the numbers were recognizable. :: BEAMS ::
mood: impressed music: aiyla's counting	nostalgia 17 memories

Hey, bikun!	23:56 - Tuesday 28 October 2003
Got your drabble ready... I hope it's what you wanted. I know the title sounds weird, but trust me, it's better than it first looks. WK Drabble: Socks Enjoy!!!
mood: productive music: any dream will do - michael damian - andrew lloyd webber	nostalgia 2 memories

Trick or Treat	22:22 - Monday 27 October 2003
( My haul )
mood: hyper music: faol's game	nostalgia 16 memories

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